Thoughts on Motherhood, Year Three

When I talk "school" with other moms, I normally tell them that we are leaning towards home schooling Wilson for at least his elementary years. Part of that is because of the school district we are in right now, part of that is because I'm at home anyway and am certified to teach, but most of this leaning is because I can't even think of giving him up yet. That is the big picture. If we shot a rocket up above our lives and looked down from 10,000 feet you would hear me saying, "Please don't grow up Wilson. I want to hold onto these moments with you." 

But can I tell you a secret? If you shot that rocket back down into a normal day, a normal minute, to maybe 10:35 a.m.... you would not hear me say that. I would be saying something like, "Wilson, I can't play trains right now. I have to fold these clothes. Can't you just play by yourself?"

Can anyone piece together this dichotomy in my soul? I really can't explain it. It's so troubling to me. I want so badly to live in the moments how I feel as a whole.

I think this is where I am in motherhood right now... learning how to love Wilson well in the midst of life. Learning how to die to my idols of control and order and me-time. Pleading with God to teach my heart that everything I need I have in Jesus... so that I can be freed up to seek out and meet Wilson's needs.

I know that he needs me to put down my iphone. I know that he needs a conversation more than he needs a clean room. I know that he needs to hear about Jesus more than he needs a lecture on why we don't turn our milk upside down.

And, oh, how I need the grace to be able to do these things.

I've been wrestling in prayer with it for awhile. Do you know the Lord is gracious to give all that we need to obey Him?

And so while He is teaching my heart not to make too little of motherhood, would you believe that He is also teaching me not to make too much of it either?

As I've shared before, we had a miscarriage in the fall and are now hoping and waiting for another. When we were waiting to get pregnant with Wilson it felt like the whole world was getting pregnant without us. Now it feels like the whole world is having their second or third. I catch myself thinking foolish thoughts like I'm on a separate, lower rank in the mom world because we only have one.

And so I've been thinking... How can I be feeling the same ache now as I did before Wilson? And the answer is as simple as this: I'm making too much of motherhood. I've turned a calling into an identity. I have been called to the sweet, sweet task of nurturing Wilson, but right now he is the only child I've been called to. My identity is not a mom. My identity is a daughter... Of a King... Who so lovingly entrusts me with work in His kingdom. I am privileged that part of that work right now is dear little Wilson.

Oh precious Father, please mold my heart this year to not make too little nor too much of this sacred kingdom work of motherhood.