Living with Purpose

I just did the most freeing exercise. A lot of you are going to read this and wonder where I've been the past ten years, but I've never really written out a purpose statement for my life. I'm going through a book with the girls here at Jackson Hole, Calm My Anxious Heart, and she suggested writing one to free our hearts from the anxiety of either feeling like we don't have a purpose or from the feeling that we have too many purposes.

So I said, "Why not?" (Actually first I thought, "Haven't I done that already?" and I then realized that, like most things I count as elementary, I have skipped over them somehow. Pride!)

I have to admit that I got halfway through writing out my purpose in life before I realized that someone has already written out my purpose. My days have already been ordained for me. So, I laughed at myself for a minute and then humbled myself in prayer before the Lord, admitted to what a fool I was to think I could write my own purpose, and asked Him if He would give me a little more clarity in what He has dreamed up for me. How could I live with a little more intention? What are some fences I could put up to walk a more focused path?

I came up with what's below, but I hope to come back to it every year and talk it over with Jesus. I'm tired of living day to day not knowing exactly what it is that I'm doing! I already feel so free to live without anxiety... I hope, if you haven't done something similar already, that you would take an afternoon to do the same.

Thoughts on Motherhood, Year Two

Last year I started a "Thoughts on Motherhood" series on our family blog {here}. This year, I wrote this post around Mother's Day after Andrew's first half marathon, but for whatever reason didn't post it. Today Andrew ran his second half marathon and I started to feel the same feelings of insignificance. I knew it wasn't a coincidence, so I needed to process and share.... I hope it helps some other moms (or dads), but I'm okay if it doesn't because it helped me to just write.

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I love being a mom. I feel like this year has been a whole different ballgame. Last year involved a lot of staring into Little Man's eyes and talking to him with no replies. Or even acknowledgements that I was pouring all of my energy into keeping him happy. It was hard.

This year...  do we have FUN together. Yes, there are a lot of moments when I want to throw up my hands and surrender to the tantrums (or just pretend like they aren't happening). But mostly, Wilson and I enjoy being together. I love watching him enjoy things. I love knowing that while I may not be creating memories just yet (Do you remember anything from when you're one?), I am helping to create a life that he feels safe in, where he knows that he is deeply loved.

Today Andrew finished his first 1/2 marathon. He did so well; We were so proud of him, Wilson and I. But something happened in my heart when he crossed the finish line. I couldn't pin it down at first... I knew it was some form of jealousy poking up its ugly head, but I wasn't really sure what I was jealous of. I don't want to run. Andrew has asked me several times if I'd like to train with him and there is really nothing in me that wants to run unless I'm running from something. (Nothing against you runners, but I just don't get it.) I thought, maybe I'm angry because Andrew has time to have a hobby and I don't.

Later at home, it hit me: I don't think what I'm really pining for is another hobby. When Andrew crossed the finish line there were scores of people applauding and cheering for him. He got a "medal" of sorts and got to see his finish time. He had people texting him to tell him congratulations. W and I were there to hug him and tell him we were proud.

That's what I want. Accomplishment. I'm one of those strange people who love taking tests because I study hard and love seeing that A staring back at me. A tangible thing to tell me I've done well. In teaching, I was evaluated often (another thing that I loved... I know, strange!) and had professionals telling me what a good job I was doing. I excelled in school and I think it was mostly because of how I hungered for affirmation.

And now... at the end of the day, in the darkness of Wilson's room, when I'm singing every song he requests and laying him down to bed... there is no applause at that finish line. Andrew is incredibly affirming to me (it's one of his gifts) and I know I'm not in this alone, but still... I think some days I long for someone to tell me, "You dealt with his tantrums well today. A+!" or, "I saw how hard it was for you to fix both of your lunches at the same time. You are doing incredible." I run a triathlon every day.

And then I remember these sweet words...
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I do have a finish line awaiting me. The Creator of the universe is the Creator of my race... one that He has marked out just for me. Mile one: Love on Andrew; serve him well. Mile two: Teach Wilson the good path; shower him with the gospel. Mile three: Listen to this sweet college girl's heart crying out for someone to hear her pain; Answer her with Jesus. Mile four: Take care of Home; Make it a place of peace... and miles and miles and miles to go.

My joy set before me is Jesus, His presence will give me the strength to endure and enjoy my race. And in these moments where I don't feel significant, I will choose to listen to my sweet husband's words: "You are God's child. You are significant. Wilson and I need you," because I know that is what Jesus is saying to me, too.

The List

As I'm rounding the corner to the day I turn 28, I'm met with my list of things I made last year on my birthday of things I wanted to experience or accomplish in the next year of my life. At first glance, I feel a little bit of defeat from the things that did not happen. On the other spectrum, I feel a little bit of pride over the things that I did accomplish.

Aren't both a wrong way of thinking? I don't regret making the list because I think it has been a tool to help shape and give some direction to my personal growth this past year, but am I really so foolish to think that I am King over the process?

The Lord has taken me over a blessed, humbling, joyful, sorrow-spotted, surprising, ordinary ride over the last year. I am so thankful for the ways that he has grown me. I feel a lot better about the ways we are eating. I am reading more and watching less television. I have gotten (a little) better about sending cards for birthdays/holidays. But he has also worked in ways that I would have never even thought to put on my list. I have come to know myself a lot better and faced dark places in my heart like fear and anxiety. We have walked into a church that is a different denomination than we grew up in... we are learning and growing and being stretched. I have become really organized in managing the house.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9

I think it's good to plan. I think God makes it pretty clear that he is not a God of chaos. But I also think that it's necessary to hold those plans with loose hands. I should not feel defeat over what was not accomplished (although some of the reason deals with laziness and I need to repent of that, for sure!), but I should rejoice over what the Lord chose to do in my life instead. He is the true King.

I'm playing with the idea of a different kind of list for this next year. More on that soon. Thank you, Jesus, for year 28!

The Kitchen, Part III

So this post is a little late... but I wanted to share an update with our kitchen renovation. This whole thing makes me laugh and cringe at the same time because four months later we are still not done.

Let me show you what we have done, though.

We got new granite counter tops put in. We started out thinking we would just do a granite look-alike, but there was a good sale and this granite ended up being cheaper than the look-alike! We were pleased. Something was going right.

Then my very talented husband put up our subway tiles all.by.himself. (I was either taking care of W or doing another project).

The (almost) finished project...

It looks great, but we still need to tie up a lot of loose ends like....
get outlet covers (yep, totally gotten used to them not being there)
put a crown up where between the cabinets and the granite (it's just unfinished wood)
the hardest and most terrible thing... re-do the bottom cabinets. We are playing with the idea of bringing in a professional.

Growing in eating

I've hesitated blogging about this, because I'm afraid it will jinx our progress. Our little family is on a journey to eat healthier... moving closer and closer towards no processed foods and no sugar. I also had hesitation in blogging about this because I didn't want to come across as "healthier than thou."

We are not healthier than thou. I'm sure of it.

It's been a long time comin', honestly, but as the director of our food intake in our house I have just felt overwhelmed. Where do we even start?

And then I ran across this blog... {100 Days of Real Food}. And, more importantly, I found a gem on this blog: {14 mini-steps to cut out processed food}. You take one pledge each week to make your way towards a healthier intake. It sounded SO attainable. I asked Andrew if he was up for it and he said yes.

Our journey begins. We are only on week two. I've decided to start talking about it on here because it gives me a little more accountability and this is my blog about growing. This is an area of growth... and I want to be vulnerable about it. So here is a little of what I've learned so far:

Week One: Eat two servings of veggies or fruit with every meal
This was mostly simple. Since I've been using the E-Mealz meal plans, every dinner so far has had this element. Lunch was a little bit of a challenge because normally I like a sandwich and chips. I started to get creative and eat veggies from the night before and then added a fruit like grapes or an apple. What was really helpful here was that I had no need for chips, which have no nutritional value. Breakfast seemed like a real challenge at first because I don't even like to eat breakfast (mostly because I'm lazy and don't want to do hard things in the morning... like put cereal in a bowl). But then I came up with an alternative that I've eaten EVERY morning since: Rolled oats and milk warmed up in the microwave with two frozen fruits. I was on blueberries and raspberries but I just ran out of both so now it is blackberries and strawberries. So, so good. I look forward to breakfast now.
AND.... I'm fulfilling #27 on my list of {28 Things}!

Week Two: Drink only "real" drinks: water, milk, tea, coffee (only sweetened with a natural sweetener like honey or maple syrup... no stevia, even!)
Oh, I was so nervous about this week because of my cravings for diet coke. Guess what? I've only craved it once when I was eating popcorn last night! I've loved drinking more water throughout the day. I can feel a difference even in my energy level. That may also be because this week I've started to be a coffee drinker. Normally I would drink sweet tea or a diet coke to give me a little caffeine, but I've started to become one of those people that I never understood before. I am loving a little coffee in the morning... I've also learned how to make it palatable without sugar. I add a good helping of milk, a little squeeze of honey, and a dash of unsweetened cocoa! Mmmm.mmm.mmm.

So, there you go! Here is the beginnings of hopefully a lifetime of taking good care of our bodies. I've realized that most of my "unhealthy" ways are because of laziness, not ignorance. And from that I would like to repent.

A side note... One theme that we hope to be true of this endeavor is that we would not be legalistic. Once we start eliminating more processed foods, I do not want it to keep us from going to a restaurant with friends, enjoying a bar of dark chocolate every now and then, or having a meal cooked by friends or family. We don't think that a little bit of processed foods or sugar every now and then will hurt... but let's be honest, our lives thus far have included far more than "a little bit" of unhealthy foods.

Time Traveling

Have you ever wanted to travel back to a moment so that you could experience it all over again? Maybe change something about it?

Sometimes I like to pretend I'm time traveling.

Okay, hang in there with me. I'll explain.

A couple of nights ago it was "hurricane hour" as my sweet mother-in-law calls it. Andrew wasn't home yet. I had three pots on the stove, one of which was boiling over. Cheerios (most of them crushed and in a million pieces) were covering the floor. Barney,or something equally annoying, was singing (loudly) in the background about doing our share in cleaning. And this sweet little man wanted nothing but me.

He was crying, whining, yelling, pulling, reaching and had a book in his hand.

Now you might think that I tried to pretend I was time traveling out of this moment and into another. But what really gets me through these moments is to imagine that I'm 60 years old and wishing I could go back to that sweet time when my Little Man fit in my lap. When I could give him 100 kisses without it being strange. And I imagine that this exact moment is the one the Lord gives me.

What would my 60 year old self in a 28 year old body do? Why, I would be so thankful to the Lord for granting me this wish.... I would let that pot just boil on over. I would sit down on the kitchen floor, grab that pudgy ball of tears, pull him in my lap and read through the book. Twice.

And that's what I did. Thank you Jesus for the grace to time travel like that. It makes life so much sweeter.

Meal Planning

I just can't seem to get it down. Those two words, "meal planning," seem like such a staple in a good wife's vocabulary. I don't know why, but I have just never been really consistent with having a meal plan each week. Before Wilson came, I felt like every night was kind of up in the air. Friends might invite us over for dinner, we might be out with students doing ministry, we might not get a chance to eat dinner until 9:00 pm. After Wilson, well.... those of you who've had children know that planning, shopping, prepping, cooking is boiled down to a frozen pizza and bag salad on most nights.

On Sunday night I said "Enough is enough." I'm tired of running to the grocery store every other day and coming up with meals on the fly. I decided to give {E-mealz} a try once more. (I tried them before during the never-at-home-for-dinner era.)

For $15 every 3 months (12.50 if you use code:DAVE), you will get a five day meal plan complete with a grocery list. I really didn't like the idea of someone else telling me what I am going to eat every night, but let me tell you what I've found that I do like about this.

• You can customize the meals. I've chosen the "Lowfat for 2: Anystore" plan. It is just enough for me, Andrew and Wilson plus a little bit of leftovers for lunch the next day. They have big family plans, plans to match sales with certain stores (Ahem, Kroger and Publix...of course), and low-carb plans. 
• The meals are good. So far I've only made three meals, but we really, really enjoyed all of them and (although not picky) we are kind of snobby foodies sometimes.
• They include sides! This has always been a road block for me during meal times for some reason. I am not really creative about what sides to put with meals... but this does the thinking for you.
• All the recipes are simple. I don't have a lot of free time to spend in the kitchen prepping (I usually use W's second nap to do meal prep), so I really appreciate that all the recipes so far have only required 1 hour or less of prep time/cooking time. 
• The recipes re-use ingredients. All five of the recipes you get each week share ingredients so that you are using ALL of that onion or that whole bunch of celery and not feeling wasteful about what you buy. This is a huge bonus for me.... I always feel like I throw so much away out of our fridge as it spoils. 
• They give you a complete grocery list. HELLO, SIMPLICITY! 

Because we enjoy a little bit of freedom, I'm only choosing three out of the five recipes a week to make. That leaves some room to go out, eat leftovers, or try a different recipe. I'm printing out and saving all of the weeks (and making notes/ratings on the recipes I try) so that after three months I may just go back over  these past recipes and try new ones or repeat old ones we enjoyed.

Anyway, I hope this helps any of you who are like me at 4:00 pm hoping the "dinner fairy" will magically come and bring your family a well balanced yummy meal. This is the closest thing I've found to that fairy.

SIDE NOTE: You might be wondering how the list coincides with my couponing. It doesn't. There really aren't any grocery stores here that coupon well. For now, I am sticking with couponing for home items and a once a month trip to Kroger (30 minutes away) for staples. But, if you have a Publix, {E-Mealz} has a plan that matches up with their sales each week. Lucky, lucky you.